Growing up, my dad would always encourage me to be brave and do things on my own, from simple things like ordering my own food from a waiter or calling a cinema for inquiry and to be brave in making my own decisions. My parents always wanted my sister and I to learn to be independent and that also to be brave.
I always think of myself to be a brave person. Through the years I’ve learnt to do things on my own and not rely on people, even more so after my dad passed away. I had to get things done for myself and for my family. An example would be that I had to go to the government offices to get some paperwork done when we finally got a house from the national housing program. At that time, my mom had work which is why she couldn’t go get it done, but also she wasn’t too sure where to go, I stepped up and told her I’ll get it done and I did. It took courage to go to the government office to ask for directions and to make sure I got the right documents. Tbh at that time I didn’t see it as something difficult, I just went and did it, until a friend of mine pointed out that she wouldn’t be able to do what I did on her own, and that was when I sat back and think, this is not something people my age then would be doing, it’s be something their parents would handle on their own.
When I had to go to the Philippines for a student exchange program for a semester, I was there on my own with no other students from my home uni. I learn to adapt to the new environment, and was responsible for my own expenses and made sure I fed myself (wasn’t a problem at all) and again, a lot of people were impressed that I wasn’t scared and was even brave to travel out on my own to go to the mall nearby using a jeepney. But really, it wasn’t difficult and it wasn’t that scary, I just had to be wise and not go to places that are dodgy or dark. Most places I went to was crowded or like public places where people hung out. Anyway, I survived and I had a good time there.
This year, I feel like it’s a year where God is really trying to bring my courage up another level. As I’m trying to figure out and plan on where to take my masters, I think one after another obstacles it has been testing my courage. I think being at home in the comfort for so long, I might have forgotten how to be a little braver or I’m too comfortable to move. As I plan on where to go next, I think I have a lot more to consider and one of the main thing for me to think about is the finance. This time, I won’t have the financial support of the government to bring me overseas to study and I won’t have any allowance. I’ll have to consider if my family account has enough to cover my tuition fees and also consider how am I gonna get my living expenses while I’m overseas.
I’m looking as going to a nearby city to further my studies, and the cost of living in a city is higher than home. I’ll need to find a job while I’m studying and learn to balance everything out. It is scary, even tho I put a front of being brave and willing to take up a challenge, in the end I’m still a practical person and coming from a not so well off family background I worry about the finances. I’m scared on how I’m going to cope if I move, am I gonna be able to manage my time well? I know I’m going to miss home a lot, and I will be out of my comfort zone for sure.
Been thinking way too much because I have to and I’m so tired, but after thinking for the past few months, I know I need to make this move, I need to move forward and be brave to make this change, for myself, for my future, for my mom.
It feels like cliff diving, like I’m at the edge of the cliff, wanting to jump but a little bit too scared to take that step off that cliff for that adrenaline, I think I’ll have to close my eyes for that first second, hold my breath and jump. I know when I step off that cliff, I’ll still be scared until I land and dive into the water and that rush of adrenaline will be my source of energy to push me further. It’ll be good. I pray hope that it’ll be good. Cause I know God’s got me through it all.
Praying that things will fall into place smoothly and 5 years from now I’ll look back and be glad that I made the right decision.
I think most of us just need to take a deep breath and make that first step out of our comfort zone to grow a little more.
Kelly Clarkson once sang this beautiful chorus from her song ‘Breakaway’
I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes ’til I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love
I’ll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
Sometimes you just gotta take a risk and take a chance to make that change.
I’m excited to see what’s next and excited to see if I’m brave enough to take that next step.